I AM HUMAN. What exactly does that mean? How is it even possible to be a human in this institution called prison; in this diminutive space where individuals are sentenced to live, to survive day in and day out, forgotten by the majority and cared for by few?
For 22 years I have lived in this institution called prison. And, for some time now I have lived my day-to-day life by the biblical concept of not boasting about my own abilities; I adhere to being humble and allowing others to praise my accomplishments. And yet, because I have been unknown and forgotten by the majority, I believe that my consciousness and growth is worthy of mention. With great humility, and a lifestyle of worship, I thank Jesus Christ, my God, my Lord and Savior for the strength I now have; he hasn't been just a small part of my life, he has become my life. It was only through my faith in the power of God and, my own willingness to confront my brokenness and insecurities, that I was able to survive under the stench of this gravesite called prison, where human potential is buried alive under the false notion that every prisoner is incorrigible. I chose to go where few are willing to go - inside myself. I became vulnerable and emotionally raw and I have been in a surgical state ever since. Through my faith, counseling and healthy relationships I have developed over the years, I have become a selfless man. At this point, I am the first person to speak in pure disgust of the horrid behaviors that lead to my incarceration. Please try to understand this though.....long before this physical confinement, I was already trapped and being held captive. I read long ago that "freedom is a state of mind, not of being." I was imprisoned the moment I bought into the lie that I was worthless, the moment I believed that I was ugly. I was held captive after each and every time I was mentally abused or bullied. Emotionally stripped because of constant verbal abuse; my identity void of any form or shape, radically defined by molestation.
Research suggests that "adolescent brains are shaped by experiences in early life." and, that "the years between 6 and 14—middle childhood and early adolescence—are a time of important developmental advances that establish children's sense of identity."
Believe me when I say that I did not aspire to be the worst of myself. As a child I did have dreams. I wanted to be a policeman; I wanted to be a fire fighter and I believed at one point that I could be a doctor. Unfortunately, at a very young age, my self-worth was stolen
and consequently all of my adolescent year's were spent believing that I did not matter, that I did not have a voice for the years of abuse I endured. Most adults have had the opportunity to learn how to effectively manage emotions, but to put that expectation on a child, to properly process physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, is absurd! For kids, emotions often feel like a runaway train; they show up suddenly, crashing. Internally I was on fire, burning; I felt excruciating pain, but as a child I did not know how to properly process what I was experiencing, nor did I have anyone to help me process my emotions - a sure track to failure and inadequacy. To believe that on top of me being abused and I in turn abusing drugs and alcohol at the young age nine that I would some how have self-love is again absurd! I remember wishing that I was dead at the age of seven - at the age of seven year's old! Come on people! That was the time when I should not have had a care in the world! Because of my unstable environment and conflicted family life,
I never got to feel the joy and freedom of being a child;
I was often so sad and afraid that I did not want to live. I essentially lost my childhood.
Those were also the impressionable years, when I was vulnerable, susceptible to and easily influenced by the harmful and hurtful attitudes and behaviors of others close to me; a critical time in my life to establish healthy behaviors. At the age of 17, I could no longer take it. Every vicious word, every punch from bullies, every beating from my mother manifested itself. Every sex act I was forced to perform, every rejection, I could no longer hold it in. I was hurting so terribly but no one helped me. So those were the ingredients that produced my actions, my perceptions during my adolescent years, and the way I digested the abuse, manifested itself in a vicious way.
Believe me when I say that I did not aspire to be the worst of myself. As a child I did have dreams. I wanted to be a policeman; I wanted to be a fire fighter and I believed at one point that I could be a doctor. Unfortunately, at a very young age, my self-worth was stolen
and consequently all of my adolescent year's were spent believing that I did not matter, that I did not have a voice for the years of abuse I endured. Most adults have had the opportunity to learn how to effectively manage emotions, but to put that expectation on a child, to properly process physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, is absurd! For kids, emotions often feel like a runaway train; they show up suddenly, crashing. Internally I was on fire, burning; I felt excruciating pain, but as a child I did not know how to properly process what I was experiencing, nor did I have anyone to help me process my emotions - a sure track to failure and inadequacy. To believe that on top of me being abused and I in turn abusing drugs and alcohol at the young age nine that I would some how have self-love is again absurd! I remember wishing that I was dead at the age of seven - at the age of seven year's old! Come on people! That was the time when I should not have had a care in the world! Because of my unstable environment and conflicted family life,
I never got to feel the joy and freedom of being a child;
I was often so sad and afraid that I did not want to live. I essentially lost my childhood.
Those were also the impressionable years, when I was vulnerable, susceptible to and easily influenced by the harmful and hurtful attitudes and behaviors of others close to me; a critical time in my life to establish healthy behaviors. At the age of 17, I could no longer take it. Every vicious word, every punch from bullies, every beating from my mother manifested itself. Every sex act I was forced to perform, every rejection, I could no longer hold it in. I was hurting so terribly but no one helped me. So those were the ingredients that produced my actions, my perceptions during my adolescent years, and the way I digested the abuse, manifested itself in a vicious way.
I am not claiming that I was innocent in the least bit. As a child I was extremely troubled and I projected it on others - undeserving people who would become the host of my hell. In my right mind there is absolutely no way that I can accept, nor excuse such behavior. But, please don't disregard the fact that I too was abused; I was misinformed and lied to. This is my past and part of my healing process is embracing all of me. So, while it is true that I may not have felt safe, loved or enough as a child, I eventually felt the importance of taking responsibility for my life—for how those old wounds kept me disempowered, and for the impact they had on those around me. I believed that I needed to reclaim my power, my freedom to choose to be how I wanted to be, and to have the capacity to live a joyful life, despite my current circumstances. I knew that I needed to find that place within me where I felt loved and enough.
I am no longer controlled by unresolved childhood issues; I have not allowed those issues to spill over into my adulthood. I am not a man-child. I am driven by such a powerful force of grace and mercy that my heart is saturated with a wealth of love. I have such an appreciation for the processes of self-discovery, self-respect, and self-love. These attributes were absent in my youth. I was robbed of my birthright to be cultivated in love; robbed of the opportunity to have unlimited access to properly develop and reach my greatest potential. I turned instead, into the ugliness that was inflicted upon me. One can not expect me to care about anyone outside of myself when I was taught to hate my own skin. Some would think, "In the midst of the living dead, what good could come out of the grave?"
I am now an adult but, in this day and age, what does this really mean? To me it means contribution. It means empowering myself and others to be the very best that they can be. Should I get a chance to prove that I can thrive in society? With all of the love and support I have had throughout my journey and with all the love and support I now have, should I get a chance to prove how sorry I really am? I am not a monster and almost 23 years of consistently being selfless proves that. I love myself and it took time to do that and, as a result of self-love, I genuinely know how to celebrate others. I have allowed my faith in God, the love of all my supporters and therapy to transform my whole foundational truth and that was astronomical! But I did it!
And now, because I believe I exemplify the true embodiment of metamorphosis, I heartily plead for one chance. One chance to become a study for college students as well as to further my own education. One chance to be a pillar of my community. One chance to stand in front of a church service and share my testimony. One chance to work with troubled youth because in my own right, with the work I have done to rebuild myself and assist others, I am a motivational speaker and a personal trainer.
I would love nothing more than to take my mother out to dinner; to shower my daughter with the love she deserves and the benefit of a father's presence in her life. I would love to spend quality time with my girlfriend.
I would love nothing more than to take my mother out to dinner; to shower my daughter with the love she deserves and the benefit of a father's presence in her life. I would love to spend quality time with my girlfriend.
I believe I am a living testament that hard work and a desire to be greater than the less of myself has produced strength and greatness. Each day I wake up is a blessing. I was determined not to remain in captivity therefore, I am no longer internally imprisoned. I am considerate, I listen, I express my emotions in a healthy manner and I am not afraid to cry. I always look to help others. I feel obligated to bring to light my actions; I am committed to breaking the cycle of silence when it comes to male abuse and I am committed to being a voice for women who have been sexually abused. I recently read this quote, "To get out of the average trap, you need to find your purpose. As a result, you’ll live your destiny." I believe that I am living my destiny. I am not afraid to live in truth. One day I strongly desire to get out of prison, but the most important desire was to first get the prison out of me. I believed that if I didn't first go through the difficult, labor intensive and exhausting transformation of conquering my brokenness there was no way that I could care about all of the pain I've caused. I also believed that if I was not sincere about change I didn't deserve a chance at freedom.
I am motivated, I have positive energy and I encourage everyone around me to be better. I like to make people laugh and l have a big heart. I care about everything and everyone. I promote self worth the most. Why? Because if an individual doesn't care, "truly care" about themselves then there is not going to be a human connection to care about someone else. I came to prison at the age of 17 and I will soon be 40 years old. Over the years my adult self has helped my adolescent self heal and grow. Because of this I have been, and will continue on a life-long mission. If greatness can be produced in me, then I know that those who don't believe that they have that same greatness, truly need my help. I am no longer a threat to society, I am a thread. Today I aspire to give back to the community; to help those kids struggling now without love and support and to guide them on their journeys to greatness. I want to be a part of the many, yet unfortunately still too few, social justice programs in our communities.
I genuinely thank you for taking the time to read this letter and please, let's begin a dialogue. Hopefully this has opened your minds and your hearts and if nothing else, has opened your eyes to my reality, and to the reality of many others within these walls. I AM HUMAN.
#iamhumantoo
#iamhumantoo
