How much time is enough?

After 20 years, I remain in a war zone fighting for my physical freedom, all while attempting to preserve my mental, emotional and spiritual freedom. Everyday of the 20 years that I have been incarcerated has been spent reconstructing the damage and trauma caused to me in my childhood. Twenty years in a prison cell has been spent rediscovering and redefining my humanity. I was not remotely comfortable with the manner in which I treated what I now know to be the greatest creation on earth, aside from a precious child. To this day it continues to be difficult to digest all of the hurt and heartache that I have caused and I do believe that I deserved to come to prison. Yet the question still remains,  "How much time is enough time for me to be able to prove that I am not the same individual that I was?" Almost 21 years served and my mentality and my everyday behaviors reflect a genuine transformation.

Please understand that prison is an unforgiving and unrelentingly environment; it constantly reminds you of how horrible of a person you really are. There are no accolades or incentives for accomplishments, yet punishment is swift. So, bear in mind that changing for the better is not inevitable, especially when a child is sentenced to 290 years in a broken prison system. Along my journey for redemption and self-discovery there has been an awakening for me. I don't know if it was because of my determination to discover why and how I could get to the point of displaying such ugliness on undeserving human beings, or because goodness is innately a strong character trait and it was buried beneath all of the falsehood and brokenness. All I know you guys is that everything I have worked extremely hard to accomplish is in jeopardy. I know many of you reading this will say, "So what? You are getting what you deserve!" I get that. Ignorance (not knowing), prevents you from seeing the reciprocal need for the same mercy many of you desperately needed at one point in your life. Despite popular opinion, I have not succumbed, nor have I assimilated to the concentrated, toxic negativity that engulfs this prison 

Yet, how much longer does one expect me to sustain under the deep pressures of the raging water that looks to drown me? I exemplify a profound amount of sorrow, regret, sympathy and empathy; every fiber in my being looks to bring out the best in myself and others. As much as I wish, hope and pray that I can take back every hurt, every pain and every experience that came at the hands of my brokenness, I can't; just as I cannot undo the abuse that I endured. I can only strive to be the man that I am today. I am not looking to be celebrated, because a huge part of my penitance is to be selfless. If you were to ask me, "What is one of the most important lessons that I have learned since my incarceration?", it would be that I am a part of something greater than myself; that I'm on a harmonious level with humanity, interconnected.  

I hurt parts of me and others that were hurting; I damaged and destroyed the parts of me and others that had been damaged and destroyed. The individuals that I hurt was the manifestation of all the hurt I had endured; by being hurt, I hurt others. And, on the opposite spectrum, by being healed, I can help heal others, if they are open and willing to heal. I am frustrated and tired of having what I have done overshadow the decent and caring human being that I have become. For anyone in prison, that is an extraordinary feat! NO ONE wants to be judged and condemned for their worst mistake as a child. Current research now shows that adolescents differ from adults in the way they behave, solve problems, and make decisions; an adolescent brain continues to mature and develop throughout adolescence and well into early adulthood. Prison robs one of any real meaningful opportunity to grow into and express their best self and to love. I feel like I am buried alive! I am being suffocated by the constant mistreatment and negativity that accompanies being in prison. Again, many of you will say, "You are getting what you have coming to you!". I firmly believe that this response is very unfortunate because many people in society are not knowledgeable of the dynamics of incarceration and have become insensitive and extremely  vengeful - a vengeance that if you were in my shoes,  you would be urgently and eagerly seeking the same mercy. The mercy I seek is for the transgressions of my youth, a chance for redemption, not to be released and be a nuisance to society. My intentions are to make an impact on society and specifically on my community in a meaningful, tangible and positive way. 

I sincerely thank you for and truly appreciate the time you have taken to read this post. Please encourage others in your circle to do the same. I look forward to hearing your feedback and hope that I have inspired you and/or given you something to ponder. Future posts of mine will hopefully do the same.

Sincerely, 

Devon